Loki's Diet
by rogue planet 13
Summary: Loki concocts an evil plot to make all of New York City go on a diet and become thin while Nick Fury concocts an equally evil plot to make everyone fat by means of a powerful cheesecake. Who will triumph? skinny!Loki or fat!Fury? Total randomness. One-shot.


_Yes, here I am writing another story instead of working on the ones I already have like I should be doing. :P This is a really random diet-themed parody inspired by Lily Lindir-Aubrey's story Melkor's Restaurant. I started changing lines from the movie and couldn't stop. Please don't read this if you haven't watched the Avengers as it won't make any sense. Not that it makes any sense anyway..._

Disclaimer #1: I do not own the Avengers

Disclaimer #2: I am not fat.

* * *

_The cheesecake has awakened. It is on a fat world. A human world. They would eat it, but our ally knows its dangers as they never will. He is ready to lead and our force, our treadmills, will follow. You'll make millions of dollars selling treadmills to the fat humans. The world will be his. The universe yours. And the humans, what can they do but diet?_

* * *

_A blue light glows in the room and Loki appears through some aliens means._

Nick Fury: Sir, put down the smoothie.

_Loki throws the smoothie at a guard. It hits him in the face and goes down his throat. He screams and magically becomes skinny._

Loki: You have heart. _Pours smoothie down Clint Barton's throat. __Clint Barton instantly becomes skinny._

_Fury picks up the cheesecake and tries to sneak out with it._

Loki: Please don't. I still need that.

Fury: This doesn't have to get any messier.

Loki: Of course it does. I've come too far for anything else. _Making epic speech: _I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose. I come with glad tidings of a world made free.

Fury: Free from what?

Loki: Fat. Being fat is life's great evil. Once you accept that...in your heart...you will know peace. _Makes Eric Selvig eat a smoothie and get skinny._

Fury: Yeah, you say peace. I kind of think you mean dieting.

Loki: _Smirks evilly._

Barton: Sir, Director Fury is stalling. He means to eat the cheesecake himself.

Selvig: He's right. We have maybe two minutes before Fury eats the whole thing.

Loki: Well, then.

_Barton shoots Fury, Loki takes the cheesecake, and they leave._

* * *

Loki: _Demonstrating in front of a lot people eating at a Bistro: _All of you need to go on a diet. _Nothing happens and people keep eating. _I said DIET!

_Dumps salad on their plates. Everyone gets scared and stops eating._

Loki: Is this not simpler? Is this not your natural diet? It's the great evil of humanity that you crave junk food. The bright lure of fast food diminishes your life's joy by making you fat and unhealthy. In the end you will always diet.

Old man: _Shocked by Loki's anorexia._ Not if it makes us as thin as you.

Loki: No one is as thin as me!

_Throws a smoothie at the old man. Steve Rogers shows up and deflects it with his shield._

Steve: You know the last time someone tried to put me on a diet we ended up disagreeing.

_He and Loki fight and smash stuff up._

Loki: Diet!

Steve: Not today!

_Stark eventually shows up and he and Steve take Loki captive and put him on board a jet. Then they go to find Fury._

Stark: _Eating potato chips. _Potato chip?

_Loki looks revolted._

Steve: What's wrong? Scared of a little junk food?

Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows.

_There is a burst of lightning and Thor shows up. He drags Loki out of the jet and takes him to a rocky hillside._

Thor: Where is the junk food?

Loki: I missed you too.

Thor: Do I look to be in a gaming mood? I'm hungry!

Loki: Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone how much junk food did the Allfather have to conjure up to lure you here? Your precious earth.

Thor: You would make the world I love go on one of your imagined diets. No, the earth is under my protection, Loki.

Loki: And you're doing a marvellous job with that. The humans die of obesity while you idly eat poptarts. I mean to make them thin. And why should I not?

Thor: You think being thin is the most important thing there is.

Loki: Well, yes. _Duh. Who wouldn't?_

Thor: Then you miss the point of dieting, brother. Your diets will make you ill.

Loki: _Angrily. _I've read of diets you have never known about! I have grown thin, Odinson, in my exile. I have seen the true danger of the cheesecake, and when Fury eats it -

Thor: Who showed you this danger? Who promised to make you thin?

Loki: I AM thin!

Thor: Not here! You give up the cheesecake. You give up this poisonous health food! You come home.

Loki: I don't have it. You want to eat the cheesecake but I've sent it off I know not where.

Thor: Listen well, brother. I -

_Stark smashes into Thor and sends him flying._

Loki: I'm listening.

_Stark and Thor face off in the forest several hundred yards away._

Thor: Do not touch me again, metal man.

Stark: Then don't take my chips.

_They start fighting and smashing things up. Steve shows up and breaks up the fight._

Steve: That's enough! Put down the potato chips.

Stark: Yeah, no, bad call. He loves his potato chips.

Thor: YOU WANT ME TO PUT DOWN THE POTATO CHIPS?

_Thor brings the bag of chips down hard on Steve's shield, popping the bag with a loud bang and scattering chips everywhere._

Steve: Are we done here?

* * *

_Later on Loki is inside a glass cage aboard the helicarrier. Fury is showing him how it works._

Loki: It's an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me.

Fury: It's built for something a lot bigger than you.

Loki: Oh so I've heard. How desperate are you that you call on such fat people to defend you?

Fury: How desperate am I? You threaten my world with hunger. You steal MY cheesecake. You talk about diets and you try to make me lose weight. You have made me very desperate. You might not be too glad you did.

Loki: Ooh, it burns you to have come so close. To have the cheesecake in your hands - to have sugar, unlimited sugar. And then to be reminded what real food is.

_He holds up a celery stick. Fury turns pale and leaves the room quickly._

* * *

_In another room, the Avengers are watching Loki's interrogation._

Steve: Thor, what's his play?

Thor: He has an army of treadmills. They're not from Walmart or any store known. He means to sell them to your people so they'll lose weight.

Steve: An army? From outer space?

_Meanwhile Natasha sneaks out to visit Loki in the detention bay._

Natasha: I wanna know what you've done to Agent Barton.

Loki: Oh. Do you need to lose weight, Agent Romanoff?

Natasha: Diets are for fat people. I just want to eat healthier.

Loki: And what will you do if I give you a smoothie?

Natasha: Not let you out.

Loki: No, but I'm enjoying this. Your world in the balance and you bargain for one smoothie?

Natasha: Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that. I'm Russian. Or was.

Loki: What do you want?

Natasha: It's really not that complicated. I've got some extra flab and I want to work it off.

Loki: Can you? Can you really work off that much flab? Skittles? Bubble gum? M&amp;Ms? Barton told me everything. You're dripping, you're gushing flab and you think drinking one smoothie will change anything? This is the basest wishful thinking! A child at prayer...Pathetic! You live on big macs and milkshakes in a society that lives on big macs and milkshakes. You pretend to be healthy - you eat salad once in a while - something to make up for the sugar. But the fat is a part of you and it will NEVER go away. _[A/N: This is so depressing. :(]_

Loki: I won't let you touch my health food. Not until I make you go on a diet and take away all your candy. Slowly. Painfully. Everything I know you like best to eat. And then I'll let you get off the diet just long enough to go buy some ice cream and as soon as you taste it, I'll take it away!

Natasha: _Horrified. _You're a monster!

Loki: _Sadistic grin._

* * *

_A short time later the team is fighting inside one of the rooms._

Steve: _To Stark. _You're a big man in a plus-sized suit. Take that off and how much do you weigh?

Stark: You can't talk, Rogers. Everything that's big about you came out of a coke bottle.

Banner: You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay thin?

Fury: Banner, put down the smoothie.

_Banner looks at Loki's smoothie that he has "accidentally" picked up, looks guilty, and puts it back._

_Barton shows up and blows up part of the helicarrier._

Banner: Ah! Help! STRESS!

Natasha: Doctor...Bruce, you've got to fight your cravings. This is just what Loki wants. I promise on my life...

Banner: Your LIFE?

_He starts eating all the food in sight. Natasha freaks out and runs away. Banner chases her, eating all the food he can grab as he goes. Suddenly Thor shows up and knocks him over._

Thor: _Restraining him from tearing open a package of oreos. _We are not your enemies, Banner. Try to think!

_Banner punches him away and continues scarfing food and growing fatter and fatter. Eventually he gets so huge he falls through the floor of the helicarrier and plummets to earth. Thor decides to see what Loki is up to._

Thor: _Entering the detention bay and seeing his poptarts inside Loki's cage. _NO!

Loki: _Who is waiting outside the cage. _Will you ever NOT fall for that? _He locks Thor up inside the cage._

Loki: _Walking over to the control panel. _The humans think us immortal. Shall we test that?

_Coulson shows up and threatens Loki with an ice cream sandwich. Loki dumps beet juice on him. _

Thor: Noooo!

_Loki pushes a button and Thor plummets to the earth._

* * *

_It's some time later and Loki has taken over Stark Tower. Treadmills are pouring in and people all over New York City are buying them and going on diets._

Natasha: _Flying jet. _Stark, we're heading north-east.

Stark: What, did you stop for drive-thru?

Natasha: Aww, but we were hungry.

_Back on the helicarrier Fury is having face time with the CEOs of various fast food chains._

CEO: Director, you should be able to handle this. Just give them a couple of ice cream sundaes and they'll stop dieting.

Fury: This is the island of Manhattan. We can't possibly give everyone an ice cream sundae.

_Stark buys out Dairy Queen and the Avengers start handing out free ice cream. People stop dieting and get off their treadmills._

Steve: We won.

Stark: Hey. All right. Good job, guys. Let's go get some schawarma.

_The Avengers go into Stark Tower and find Loki who looks hungry._

Loki: If it's all the same to you, I'll have some cake now.

_The end._


End file.
